Ungrateful

Joe was late to pick up his kids from school again. He cursed as he frantically stuffed his foot into a sock with one hand, and grabbed his phone with the other. With a tap, he activated the climate control on his Tesla.

His iPhone, more advanced than the supercomputers of just a few decades ago, feels the electrical resistance of his finger. It knows, because that’s where the climate control button was, that Joe wants to pre-condition the car — it is a very cold day after all. The iPhone shoots out radio waves at the speed of light, reaching a cell tower miles away before Joe had even finished putting his sock on. Fiber optic cables relayed the data instantaneously from the cell tower to Tesla’s servers, which then repeated the process to get a message to Joe’s car. Quietly, in Joe’s garage, the car roared to life and began heating itself. With another tap, Joe opened the garage door and summoned his car outside. Driverlessly, it rolled back a few feet onto his driveway.

As Joe hastily jumped into the car, electrons whirred around the AMD Ryzen computer in his Model Y. With the gaming power of a PS5, it noticed his phone. “Oh, it’s Joe”, the car thought, “I better select his profile”.

Meanwhile, twelve thousand miles above Joe’s head, global positioning system satellites beamed signals down towards Earth. Triangulating their radio waves, Joe’s car was able to ascertain his exact position on the globe precisely. The car looked at Joe’s calendar, noticed “Pick Kids Up From School” was the next item, and automatically routed to the school. Faster than the blink of an eye, the car had calculated exactly what path it needed to take to get to the school as fast as possible, even incorporating live traffic data from Google.

With a tap, Joe’s car was in FSD Beta. It looked through the 8 cameras surrounding the car, using neural network inference to compare what it was seeing to millions and millions of other roads around the country. A blue line appeared on screen as it decided, with confidence, on what path to take down the road ahead. It made right turns, unprotected left turns, went around stopped cars, and even braked when a kid running home from school dashed through the middle of the road where there was no crosswalk.

When Joe was pulling into the school, FSD Beta jerked towards a traffic cone and almost knocked it over. Joe quickly turned the wheel to disengage and hit the brakes. The car behind him honked, and the school’s traffic guard gave him a weird look. “Ugh, piece of shit!”, Joe mumbled, “this thing fucking sucks”. He pulled out his phone and tweeted “Another disappointing drive with FSD Beta 10.10.2… it tried to hit a cone. I don’t think autonomy is happening any time soon, the technology is just too far away”.


In the heavens above, God looked down upon the Earth and saw Joe frustrated. “What is wrong with these people?”, he asked one of his angels. “We send them all this amazing technology, and all they do is complain. We have wasted some of the most amazing technology in the multiverse on the shittiest group of people I’ve ever created”.

“Don’t worry”, the angel responded, “the dev team is almost ready with a new version of the human life beta that should improve things considerably”.

7 thoughts on “Ungrateful

  1. The most fantastic feat of recent tech must be this:
    “Quietly, in Joe’s garage, the car roared to life ”
    😀

  2. This cannot be true, right? We must be 20-30 years away from a car being able to drive itself, right? I wonder why people spend all that energy to fake all those YouTube videos with Teslas driving themselves.

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